antibride.com » Two Brides

down to the final days! – part 12

Stacy Jill — Wed, 19 May 2010 23:02:02 +0000

Here comes the brides....the delightful divas of Queerlywed.com!

Stacy and I are down to less than two weeks before our big family wedding here in Chicago! We are FREAKING out with all the last minute details. As we say, we are “all wedding, all the time” right now. In other words, we have no other life. All of our time is consumed with getting everything done!

Everyone who has gone through this has said there will be snafus with the planning and the wedding day. And we are finding that is true. For example, we just found out that our stage where we’ll be standing for the ceremony is 7 feet deep. Well…our Chuppah structure is 10’ x 10’! Now we have to figure out what our alternative is. We talked about scrapping the structure and sewing the material to four posts. That poses the problem of how we hold it taut so that the material doesn’t fall on those of us under it. I planned on sewing the Chuppah. So, it’s up to me, really, to figure this out! Okay, I learned basic sewing in Home Ec over 25 years ago. Ugh…I guess I will end up calling my mom and asking her advice. That’s what moms are for, right?

We are making jewelry for members of our bridal party. That’s not going smoothly either! I think that will work itself out, though. We just printed the programs and I’m hoping no information changes. My head is spinning with all the little details.

Through all this, I’ve only had two “wedding-stress-out” dreams. They both involved being in the car on the way to the venue and realizing I hadn’t written my vows. Considering how busy we are with all these other details, I hope these dreams don’t come true!

Meanwhile, our marriage certificate from Iowa came in and we ran to the Social Security Administration to apply for new social security cards with our new last names. Those cards came in yesterday, so we are trying to change our names as quickly and efficiently as possible. Stacy just went to the bank and she said it went quickly and smoothly. I’m going to go tomorrow!

So much excitement!!
Next blog will surely include photos from our big day!

About the Authors/Queerlywed.com

Melissa Johns

Melissa is the co-founder of Queerly Wed, a new website dedicated to helping LGBTQ couples plan their big day. She is an activist within the LGBTQ Community and has volunteered her services at many grassroots organizations over the years. Melissa is also an avid cyclist and won two silver medals at Gay Games VII, which was held in Chicago in 2006. She is also a lifelong student and enjoys studying Latin-American culture, photography and languages.

Stacy Jill Jacobs

Stacy is the co-founder of Queerly Wed, a new website dedicated to helping LGBTQ couples plan their big day. Stacy is a writer, marketing nerd, and web geek grrl all wrapped up into one package. Stacy has worked in the interactive field for many years including roles at eToys (US & UK) and Ticketmaster. Stacy became a professional queer when in 2005, she served as the Ticketing Manager for Gay Games VII. You can catch Stacy on her website at www.stacyjilljacobs.com or on Twitter at @StacyJill

two brides: a beautiful ceremony for two lucky girls – part 11

Stacy Jill — Fri, 07 May 2010 15:22:06 +0000

: Two Brides: Stacy Jill and Melissa

Just over a week ago, Stacy and I went to that small town in western Illinois where my mom lives because she was throwing us a shower there. It was mostly my family, but we brought along some Chicago friends too. Stacy’s brother and sister-in-law and our friend Joanna were our Chicago crew.

As we mentioned last month, we decided to get married in Iowa so that weekend was the perfect time to do it, since we’d be in the area anyway! Our friend Jen is going to be officiating our ceremony later this month (yikes!), but we wanted her to do our Iowa ceremony as well. We got her legal credentials online from the Universal Life Church. Yep, all she had to do was provide an email address! Another great place to get ordained is Open Ministry.

: A simple and sweet ceremony

So, on April 24th we made the trek to Iowa and had a beautiful and short ceremony at the Muscatine Arts Center in Muscatine, Iowa. Their grounds are absolutely gorgeous. We wanted to keep it short because this was just to make our marriage legal and we wanted the focus to be on our larger ceremony in Chicago at the end of May. Nonetheless, we both had our teary eyed moments—I could barely get through my vows—and we agreed that our relationship does feel different now that we are married. Weird, huh?

After the ceremony, we headed back to my mom’s place for the shower (I know, reverse order). We were both touched at the support we had from our families that day. I really thought my family was more conservative and that they wouldn’t all come to the shower—but they did! I think in my family that we love each other because we are family and that’s it. They may not like or prefer that I marry a woman, but I am family and that’s the bottom line. I am so lucky!!!

Our countdown clock tells me that we have 29 days till the big ceremony, as of May 1st! We are kind of going crazy around here. It’s “All Wedding—All The Time!” Now we are trying to get everything done. Things are coming together nicely, but it’s still nerve-wracking! Stay tuned as the day draws nearer!!

About the Authors/Queerlywed.com

Melissa Johns

Stacy Jill Jacobs

two brides: love and support – part 10

Stacy Jill — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 22:20:05 +0000

Aww, so cute, and just a few weeks away from W-day!

When Melissa and I announced our engagement last year, I was shocked by the love and support that was thrown our way by our family and friends. You always hope that people will support you, but with same-sex marriage being such a polarizing issue in so many lives, I wasn’t sure where we would stand. It turns out that some of the people who I didn’t think were even going to approve of (or understand) my orientation have been some of our most amazing supporters, including my best friends from high school (who are throwing us a shower next month.)

Other people in our lives have been a lovely surprise as well… For instance, my grandmother - she’s 88 years old, old school Jew, grew up in NYC and has lived in New Jersey for most of her life. For years, I went back and forth on my decision to come out to my grandparents. My grandmother would always ask me if I was dating, and my token line was “I’m just hanging out.” She even asked me one time if anything was wrong with me, as I couldn’t just “hang out” all the time with boys. I sometimes feel sad that I didn’t get to “come out” to my grandfather before he passed two years ago, but I wasn’t ready yet. It took finding my other half (and appearing in Newsweek together,) for me to finally tell the one person in my immediate family who I was really dating. Needless to say, my grandmother has been wonderful and loves Melissa.

During our conversation today, she asked me if I heard about Oprah being gay. I started laughing and thought that she must have been catching up on old tabloids. Then she said that she just heard that this “cute boy” who used to be on one of her soap operas just came out.

“Ricky Martin, Nana?”

“Yes, yes. That’s who that is. He’s such a good looking young man. You are so lucky Stacy. It’s so fashionable to be gay now!”

Another funny exchange came from my own mother. She sent me a text (yes, my mother has joined the world of texting…oy), and mentioned that my fiance sent her a lovely email and how excited she is to be Melissa’s mother-in-law. The “Email” was a note on her facebook wall.

Finally, when I arrived home from work today, Melissa gave me the invitation to the bridal shower that my soon-to-be mother-in-law is throwing us in Western IL. The note that she placed in the invitation was absolutely priceless:

Dear Friends and Family: We all know what it is to want to find another person to spend life with. We know it can be a long search. Melissa and Stacy have found each other in a world that has given them difficult odds. They invite us to celebrate with them. They do not want to make you uncomfortable, change your opinion or recruit you to the lesbian team. Please do not feel pressured to attend. But in case you want to have a good time, join us!

Yes, my friends, we are truly blessed and lucky to have such amazing people in our lives. I am truly excited for the upcoming festivities.

About the Authors/Queerlywed.com

Melissa Johns

Stacy Jill Jacobs

Stacy is the co-founder of Queerly Wed, a new website dedicated to helping LGBTQ couples plan their big day. Stacy is a writer, marketing nerd, and web geek grrl all wrapped up into one package. Stacy has worked in the interactive field for many years including roles at eToys (US & UK) and Ticketmaster. Stacy became a professional queer when in 2005, she served as the Ticketing Manager for Gay Games VII. You can catch Stacy on her website at www.stacyjilljacobs.com or on Twitter at @StacyJill

two brides “strangers in the eyes of the law” – part 9

Stacy Jill — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 00:05:55 +0000

Two Brides: Open for business

Last night our wedding countdown clock said that we now have about two months until your wedding.” I’m not panicking – no siree! Honestly, we should have two clocks counting down the days for us. That is because to have a legal ceremony, we are crossing the border to Iowa next month. Before we can go to Iowa, we had to fill out the marriage application. You can find the information on County Clerk office websites. The application allows you to identify each person as “Groom, Bride, or Spouse.”

We skipped to the local currency exchange last month to sign the papers and our friend Joanna came with us to be our “Disinterested Person” (aka our witness.) I was very impressed when the clerk didn’t bat an eye, and notarized the document. The golden ticket was then sent off to Iowa where we will pick up our marriage license next month.

At the Lambda Legal Freedom to Marry reception earlier this year, we picked up a booklet from Equality Illinois entitled “”Strangers in the Eyes of the Law – 648 Reasons Why Marriage Equality Matters.”

This is what it says under the Illinois Statutes for granting rights to married couples, section 750 ILCS 5/216 – “Prohibited Marriages Void if Contracted in Another State”

“If a couple who resides in Illinois travels to another state and enters into a valid marriage in that state, the marriage shall be declared null and void if it is prohibited in this state. “

It’s great that we have a state close by where we can take the step to make our commitment legal (and it will hold up in several other US states and international countries,) however, the minute we step back on Illinois soil, all bets are off. We’ll be once again “Strangers in the Eyes of the Law.”

About the Authors/Queerlywed.com

Melissa Johns

Stacy Jill Jacobs

two brides invite their tribe – part 8

Melissa — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 15:33:02 +0000

Design invite inspiration from our Two Brides!

Stacy and I sent out the invitations the week before Valentine’s Day. We decided to send them out earlier than normally recommended because our wedding is on a holiday weekend (Memorial Day). We wanted to make sure we got to people before they started planning other things for that weekend.

So, of course we started stalking the mail carrier on Monday, February 15^th like the dorks we are. Naturally, there were no RSVPS for the first few days, but now we get a couple every other day. I am a full-time unemployed person so I am usually the one to get the mail first. It’s almost the favorite part of my day! It sounds silly, but you know the excitement you feel when you decide to throw a party and people slowly, one by one, respond to let you know they’re coming or not! It is very exciting especially since this isn’t any ordinary party.

Each day, I sort through the mail eagerly looking for the little envelopes we sent everyone for their RSVPs. Each day, I use every ounce of will power I have to set them aside and wait for Stacy to get home when we open them together. While I’m waiting, I examine each one for clues as to who it’s from. If it’s marked “California”, I know it’s someone Stacy invited. If it’s somewhere in Central Illinois, it’s my family. If it’s from here in Chicago, it drives me crazy to wait because it could be anyone we know!

Some people write notes on them. Stacy’s parents wrote a whole, touching note about how they love us, respect our relationship and that they wouldn’t miss our wedding for anything. My mom wrote “Eh, I’m planning to be in town for the Cubs vs. Cards game anyway.” That’s our family’s sense of humor.

We do get disappointed when we see that some people can’t come. Those people usually write a note as to why they are missing the wedding. We understand that some people won’t be able to come. That’s the nature of throwing a party, right? We’ve been talking about webcasting our wedding for those who can’t attend. We’ll let you know!

About the Authors/Queerlywed.com

Melissa Johns

Stacy Jill Jacobs

two brides create their registry: part 7

Stacy Jill — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 17:21:49 +0000

One of the most exciting parts about this process was creating our registries. It’s fun to put together a wish list of all of the items that you “need” in your life: the WII accessories, the cappuccino maker, the wall art. It does seem kind of ridiculous, but the wedding industry has been hip to this consumerism windfall for a while and knows how to cater to couples.

Melissa and I created our registries a few months ago at both Bed, Bath and Beyond and Target. We both felt that those were stores that we could not only find great items for ourselves, but also help us stay cognizant of our guests’ costs for attending our wedding (most are from out of town.)

Our first stop was Bed, Bath and Beyond. I was nervous as we walked up to the counter to ask for “the scanner,” but my fears were quickly diminished. Every person that we encountered, from the front desk staff who exclaimed, “Congratulations! When is your wedding?” to the women at the wedding registry section who were excited to help us as well. I wasn’t sure what to expect as a same-sex couple, but the fact that they treated us like any other couple made me incredibly happy.

You might be thinking “Oh, but don’t these ladies live in Chicago?” Well, yes, but we were picking items out in the suburbs where I grew up. “Gays” weren’t really tolerated when I was younger, so I did have my suspicions. Bed, Bath and Beyond broke that fear apart immediately. Kudos to them!

We also created a registry at Target. This store is evil. I don’t mean in the true sense of evil, rather the fact that it is usually very hard to leave the store without buying $100 worth of stuff you don’t really need. This is where we had a little bit of fun with the registry. One of the things that we didn’t ask for is fine china. We really don’t see the need for it, and would rather have items that we would actually use and not stuff away in a closet, waiting for the day that guests arrive. Again, the staff was polite and gave us everything we needed to scan away.

Overall, we are very thankful to these two stores for making it an easy, fluid process, and for not treating us any differently than a straight couple.

About the Authors/Queerlywed.com

Melissa Johns

Stacy Jill Jacobs

two brides choose a venue: part 6

Stacy Jill — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 22:13:03 +0000

When a couple embarks upon the task of choosing a venue for their wedding and reception, how do they narrow down all the possibilities? There is the place you first met. There is the place you went on your 1^st anniversary. But then, there is that beautiful park down the street! There are tons of great places!

Stacy and I agonized about the decision for about 3 minutes. We immediately chose to have our wedding and reception at the place where we met. It would have great significance for us and be a lot of fun. With most couples, deciding the venue takes some debate, but we were in total agreement. We met with an event coordinator who went over the options. We saw the space and imagined the possibilities. We picked a menu—it’s going to be buffet style and they will cater! It being a popular video game arcade, everybody gets a game card! We signed on the dotted line.

In the first few months of planning, we already had our venue, caterer, photographer, musical entertainment (a.k.a. my iPod), wedding favors, accommodations for our guests, officiant and wedding party all set! We were feeling great! As time went on, I was thinking that I didn’t want our wedding to be cheesy. I was struggling because I was beginning to feel that we could not avoid it if we had our wedding at the arcade. I kept quiet because I knew Stacy was sure.

December arrives and we have the opportunity to attend a holiday gathering at our beloved D&B’s. We attend and as we were leaving, we sneaked another peak at our ceremony/reception spaces. We saw that our ceremony space was draped in red. Our colors are lavender, ivory and mocha and we were quite alarmed when we saw that red as an irremovable part of the décor. And then we turned around and noticed that, while we do have the entire downstairs and the area will be roped off, it is not a private space. Oh well?

As we were driving home I decided to share my feelings that we should maybe look elsewhere for a venue. To my relief, she agreed! We spent the next week viewing other spaces. I wrote an email to the event coordinator of the original venue. She wrote back that according to the contract, cancelation would mean we lose our security deposit –approximately $1500! As much as it pained us, we had to stay with our original venue. We are taking steps to ensure that the ceremony will be taken seriously and that the cheese factor stays low. It’s not such a bad deal.

Moral of the story: be very certain of your choice and voice your concerns with your partner BEFORE signing any contract!!

About the Authors/Queerlywed.com

Melissa Johns

Stacy Jill Jacobs

project bridesmaid: who will rock your runway – part 5

Stacy Jill — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 00:57:25 +0000

The “Social Butterfly” Wedding Party Dilemma

One of the most hair wringing, frustrating tasks for me while planning our wedding has been choosing my side of the bridal party. I have had a major dilemma trying to decide who would help me wipe my tears as Melissa says her vows.

As an over-achiever social butterfly, I have quite a few people who I consider to be my “chosen family.” These groups include friends from childhood, my amazing college friends, and my tight knit group of friends in California. How could I possibly not stress about it? My desire to include everyone has become a major sticking point. One thing that Melissa had to remind me of was that as brides on a tight budget, we realistically can’t invite everyone that we want – and the fact that we are able to at least invite those people to our wedding is special. On that note, I am truly honored that these four people agreed to join my side of the bridal party:

My maid of honor, Kelly, has been one of my closest friends since we both dove out of our self-imposed closets and stormed West Hollywood together. Kelly and I were inseparable for years before I moved back to Chicago – roommates who relished our Sunday morning Baja Fresh brunches, weekend trips to San Francisco Pride, Dinah Shore(aka Lesbian Spring Break), and the fact that our incessant, ridiculous knowledge of all things pop culture, drove everyone around us absolutely batty.

Lori is one of my oldest and dearest friends. We met in college as two of the oddballs surrounded by preppy kids who were working towards a degree in Communications. She has been a lifeline since I moved back to Chicago ,and has always had the uncanny ability to keep our friendship going despite my years of distance.

Clare and I met ten years ago, when I was a smarty-pants 26 year old Internet producer who was sent over the pond to help launch a UK website. I think we got off on the wrong foot, but then she took me under her wing and my time in England holds some of my fondest memories. We have stayed close and have collaborated on an online writing project called Thirty Voices a few years ago.

Shai is another member of my tight knit group of friends in California. I spent many historic San Francisco Pride weekends with him and even after thinking the grass was greener in the queer mecca, tried to move there in 2004. We now fondly refer to that time as my “6 week, $4,000 vacation.”

I had one more person I wanted to add, another close friend from college, but Melissa and I needed her in another role. We thought that someone who relishes in the power of the written word as much as Jenny does would honor us by performing the ceremony. Thankfully, she agreed!

In the end we both have four of our closest peeps (Melissa’s side includes her two oldest and dearest friends from high school, Amantha and Gudrin; her sister Stefani and brother Christopher) standing next to us along with the rest of our immediate family under the Chuppah.

Despite my initial dreams of having an insane amount of people in our wedding party, I realized that I needed to learn the value of compromise and be thoughtful towards my partner. After all, I’m not the only VIB (very important bride) in this scenario!

About the Authors/Queerlywed.com

Melissa Johns

Stacy Jill Jacobs

the r word-talking religion with family members: part 4

Melissa — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 20:30:33 +0000

The vast majority of people who object to same-sex relationships and marriage do so on religious grounds. Coming out to such people can be very difficult, depending on how close you are to them and how much you seek their approval. For the most part, I’ve been lucky because even though most of my family is very religious, I have been given full support of my choice to marry my same-sex partner. I do have religious family members that have been invited to the ceremony that will most likely not show up. And, frankly, we don’t want people at the wedding who are not happy for us. Who wants disapproving eyes cast their way on their wedding day? My mother is super religious (a minister!) but is supportive of me and loves Stacy. The people who might have a problem with my wedding are actually on her side of the family. I have told my mother to spread the word that no one who isn’t comfortable with my decision should feel obligated to come just because I am their family.

The people who matter most to me are going to be there. The other, more religiously opposed folks I am not as close with. But what would you say to unsupportive religious family members that you really want to be there on your big day? I would recommend that you steer clear of biblical debates unless you think you can get their priest/rabbi/minister to back you up. People think what they want to think about the bible and no one can say for certain which interpretation is correct. It’s a pointless battle.

Instead, you might consider delving into one of the following topics:
•   Talk to them about your childhood dreams of getting married – and how you had to adjust them when you came out. This can open up a dialog about some of the same issues they are dealing with now: struggling to understand, adjustment, and acceptance.
•   Talk about love. I mean, if you talk about why you love your partner and how you feel when you’re with him/her, your relative just might identify with that.
•   You could bring up that crazy, “loser” cousin who everyone loves despite his mistakes (NOT conceding that you are making a mistake, of course!). “If you can accept Jeff, what’s so different about accepting me? At least I’m not a drug addicted murderer!” (If you ARE a drug addicted murderer, you probably shouldn’t bring up this argument)
•   Finally, if you want to discuss religion, just talk about your own beliefs.
Remember that on your wedding day, you want to be happy. If this person just cannot bring him/herself to attend, I know it hurts, but at least those that do attend will keep the day positive for you.

About the Authors/Queerlywed.com

Melissa Johns

Stacy Jill Jacobs

two brides talk tradition: part 3

Stacy Jill — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 18:04:11 +0000

Stacey Jill's parents wedding, circa 1972.

Despite the fact that I have forgotten most of the Hebrew taught to me as a child, I still identify as a “Cultural Jew.” These days, Melissa nor I are tied to one faith and at first thought many of the typical traditions would have to be thrown out the window. However, we decided that we should go ahead and pick the rituals that we felt would signify our relationship with each other and our families.

The Chuppah
According to Wikipedia, the Jewish tradition of having a “Chuppah” symbolizes the home the couple will build together. We are ignoring the part of the definition that says a man now takes control and demonstrates his ability to take care of his woman. Instead, we are looking towards the story of Abraham and Sarah, who according to Chabad.org, always allowed guests to stay in their home. This act demonstrates the couple’s commitment to establish a home which will always be open to guests.

The Breaking of the Glass
This is said to have many different types of symbolism attached to it. One explanation of this custom seemed to speak to our social activist selves: “ It is a reminder of the broken and fragmentary nature of reality, and hence a reminder to engage in spiritual repair of the world[45]” (excerpted from Wikipedia). I feel that this speaks to our passion for social activism. We found in the beginning of our relationship that both of us are very passionate about fighting for the good in the world.

The Unity Candle
This is meant to signify the joining of two families and seemed to fit us as this is very important to both of us. We are actually very lucky to have loving and supportive families who will be participating in the ceremony.

As an Anti-Bride, what traditions are you going to keep, create or leave at the altar?